Frustration Friday

I cannot not blog just because I don't feel good.
Isn't the ups and downs of life what makes life what it is?

Anyway, I had a little episode that made me frustrated.
And even more, beyond frustration there was sadness, disbelief, mental exhaustion and finally, even dispair.
Yes, dispair.



That was on tuesday.
After an average day of strength training at the gym on monday, I had not planned anything else for that tuesday, since I was going to do some voluntary work for the Norwegian Red Cross.
You see, the Norwegian Red Cross is celebrating its 150th birthday this year, 2015.

So, there was to be a gathering, a presentation of several of our local voluntary groups.
I have been trying to be an active member of the outdoor rescue group.
Theoretically, this kind of work would fit me well.
I love being outdoors, both running and biking, and hiking, and I also have some climbing experiences (and would love to do more, but who has the time to do it all?), I can handle a compass, I had been an active member and the Norwegian Search and Rescue Dogs until nine years ago when I had to stop due to health problems, and I also have the time for commitment.

Still, the practical side of it isn't that easy.
The local Red Cross Search and Rescue Corps group doesn't have activities beyond those aimed at the already active and experienced rescuer, and I myself have only started last years.
So I found it more sensible to join another group, which is located 40km from here.
Not that much of distance when you're living in the countryside in Norway - things can be quite widespread around here, which is quite normal.

But - I don't own a car right now.
Of course, there is public transport. At least, there is a bus going where I need to go.
Only, I get sick on the bus. Always have. But I can get through that, I also think that if I try and get used to frequent bus rides, I could maybe get less sick.
Which would be amazing, considering I have had travel sickness for over 40years.

Money is another issue.
I am on a tight budget.
So, I have to split this rather modest budget between triathlon and voluntary work.
Not that you need so much for being member of the Red Cross, but I still have to buy the bus ticket. And pay for the uniform.
If you want to get involved in search and rescue work, you would want to invest in some decent outdoor clothing that keeps you as comfortable as possible trough several hours of walking through the outdoors in all kinds of weather.
I'm not sure how to handle being called out on a mission while my equipment is in the washing machine or hanging to dry because I had just used it.
You need two sets, logically.

Oh man, this is really going to be some negatively loaded blog post.
But - how can you describe frustration without pointed out the causes for it?
As for equipment, I guess time will help.
Over time, I will be able to gather the necessary equipement. Really.

But the actual point or cause for my particular frustration this week was that I was waiting for my"paycheck" that was due at the end of the week, and it was only tuesday.
I had almost no money left. Enough that I could choose between one bus ride and food for two days,
I might be exagerating. Of course I have oatmeal at home. I also have frozen vegetables, and all that, so how can I say that I didn't have enough money for food?

That is hard to explain.
I think it's because I'm really not craving lots of luxurious food at the dinner table.
I keep it simple and quite cheap while still being healthy and tasty.
It's not that rare that I loose my appetite when I don't have food I like. But there is a lot I do like, I'm not a picky eater. I just have to pick my food carefully, since my stomach doesn't always agree with my food choices, and will painfully let me know.

For example, I love carrot salad. The simle kind: carrots pluss an apple pluss orange juice and there you have the simpliest and most delicious carrot salad I can think of. For some years, I wasn't able to eat it, my stomach refused. Ok, I could have eaten it had I also thrown in some pain killers.

This spring though, I tried to get used to eating carrots again, because they are tasty, healthy and cheap. The perfect food. I found out that I can eat them as long as they are grated nicely and prepared with that dash of orange juice. An apple (grated as well) helps, too.
So - I got upset when I found out I didn't have the money to both buy eggs (another cheap and tasty and healthy food, although ecological eggs are a bit pricier) and apples and orange juice.

Ok, to make it short, I had to incidents at the check-out at our local store where I had to "edit" my stuff, take away some of the vegetables, so I could pay for them.
On some days, that's ok. It shouldn't be something to be ashamed of.
But two days in a row - I tried not to think more about it, but I felt ashamed, and sad.
I think without knowing it, I blamed myself for not taking better care of my finances.

Btw, I chose to take my bike to get to the Red Cross bithday gathering.
That is 30km on a hilly course, and off course, I had a headwind troughout the whole way.
The hills weren't thad bad (you can always enjoy the riding down from the top) but that last part with the strong headwinds were exhausting.
I also wanted to be there before 12 a.m., so I didn't give myself any breaks either.

But I was successfull in keeping positive thoughts: I thought I was kind of tough riding my bike all the way. My uniform was in my backpack, together with a washing cloth and soap and some extra energy bars just in case, and sunscreen. I was positive.

The gathering itself was interesting and well organized and fun, too. We had nice sunshine and enough people showed up.
I also met my "adoptive mom" as I call her, because I really would have liked to adopt her as my second mom. We are good friends. I love her. Some persons in your life just get you, and feel more related than your biological family. We better take care of those people in our lifes!

I borrowed some money for the bus ride back home, because after an hour or so, my endorphin and serotonin levels from the bike ride started to decline, and I felt no longer that fantastic post ride high, only sleepiness. A good sleepiness, though. Luckily for me, I didn't have any tasks beyond carrying the stretcher with a patient as one of four (oh how I love my strength training that makes that possible"),  or demonstrating avalanche search (in the summer, yes, you can do that).

I decided I would invest the money into the bus ride instead of taking my bike home.
That way, I could stay a little longer and relax on the bus.
And that's what I did. The bus drive was actually one of of the rather fast guys at our local bike group, and was amused about me taking my bike on the bus - luckily for me, I had my Red Cross uniform, that way I at least showed that I had done something useful, and was not just "lazy".

I managed to delay travel sickness until the very last minutes of the bus ride, as usual.
Actually, I was a bit proud that I had contributed to the arrangement.
Only, that's when I thought I'd buy something to eat because I was so exhausted and dizzy I couldn't think of anything eatable at home. I wanted vegetables, and proteins, and something tasty, I was hunry, I needed food, I needed good, nourishing food to recharge my batteries.

If only I had been more creative than I was.
That's when the "Oh I think I miscounted my coins, I thought I had more, can you cancel the veggies and the apple so I can only buy the eggs and the juice?" - incident.
I even lied. I'm not much of a liar, but I did, I said, after beeing asked what I actually had planned to buy, that I only wanted to buy the eggs, and felt like more, but I can buy the eggs and the orange juice (leaving the peas and beans and the apple behind at the store).
Shame.

So, that was tuesday evening and I must admit I had some big struggles getting over that incident. I feel frustrated about the fact that I'm not able to administer my budget properly (in the end, the loan was turned into a gift by my adoptive mom), and that I had to choose between food and bus ride.

It is really weird how the feeling of having little money (is it an actual feeling, or only an interpretation?) can connect to the feeling of self confidence or self esteem.
I struggle with that connection, I try to get rid of it, but when I do, it seems it's creeping up from behind, so I'm not prepared, and there it is, hanging on.

The day after that particular tuesday I spent at home. I was exhausted both physically and mentally, but mostly mentally.
Ok, some pain in my right foot (the plantar fasciitis) foot made me worry a bit, too.
I had been wearing stiff boots and been carrying patients on a stretcher around on hard concrete, that wasn't probably the best thing to do, but I took the chance.

I was worried my plantar fasciitis would come back.
I don't think it is completely gone anyway, despite the usual lack of symptoms.
There is still a lot of weird sensations in my foot.
My left foot is also complaining a bit sometimes, or is it just sending warning signals I wonder?

Well it is friday today, and I'm a still a bit frustrated about the few things I want to do that demand so much of me and the little I have in terms of energy and money.
It felt good though to write it down.
I had to, because I have to sort out what to do with this frustration, since it also affects my motivation and readiness for training.
What could have been a cool bike ride for over an hour in strong head winds with some hours of voluntary work and a nice relaxing bus ride home followed by a relaxing evening somehow turned into a physical/mental disaster, I wonder if I could have prevented that somehow.
I will never know, but I will try my best to not let it happen again.

Frustration Friday - over and out.